Maria Ramos Chertok

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May 13, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Gemstones #1: An Interview with Gael Sylvia Pullen

As part of my weekly blog post, I’m launching a segment called GEMSTONES.  Gemstones will highlight people who approach others with an abundant heart, which includes lifting others up and doing so with love.  

I’ve always prided myself on being able to find people who are gems (as I’m defining them here) and it gives me great pleasure for my inaugural GEMSTONE post to interview Gael Sylvia Pullen, https://gaelsylvia.com the author of the forthcoming book, The Good Around Us:  Living and Learning From a Place of Joy, Even in the Joyless Moments.

MDRC:  Tell me about why were you called to write the book?

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  It started years ago, over 40 years ago.  I shared my desire to write with my husband (with whom I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary in December 2020).  He was only the 2nd person I shared my writing with. He sent me to a Guidepost writers retreat. That was the second gift he gave me after we got married.  

The first person I shared my writing with was a long-time family friend who I was certain would be enthusiastic and encouraging, but just the opposite happened.  Even as I think about it now, I tear up.  It was so disappointing and painful.  “Oh no, this is really hard – you’ll never be able to do this,” she said referring to writing.   The sting of that disappointment lingered, combined with my mother’s silence to these hurtful words, which added to the pain.  I was 24 years old. I had been so intimidated by other writers.   

I don’t want anyone else to go through that type of disappointment.  I want to turn up the good around us and not have anyone dampen someone’s enthusiasm.  I want to live and lead from that place of joy even in the joyless moments.  I know there are good people around who will lift up the dreams. No matter how small the act of kindness, the sweetness of that has always lingered through the years.  That is why I was called to write, The Good Around Us:  Living and Learning from a Place of Joy, Even in the Joyless Moments.

MDRC:  Tell me a bit about you and your life?

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  I was always a first in many situations.  First one in my family to study abroad – Switzerland for high school.  This was my first glimpse into individual actions and how many others are living the dream with us even though they can’t’ walk with us.  I wanted to document this journey and give them something back.  

My grandmother was a domestic worker and she left Arkansas because she did not want her son to pick cotton and did not want her son to live the risk of that life there, which included lynching.  My grandmother bought real estate, working as a domestic worker.  My grandfather did menial labor, working for a department store washing windows and sweeping in the housekeeping department.  My grandmother rallied friends from the church to bake sweet potato pies to sell in front of the grocery stores to raise money for me to go to Switzerland.  She got the local newspapers in both Pasadena and Pomona to do a story on me. I saw how my success meant so much to them all.

MDRC:  Will you share a bit more about the impact your grandmother had on you?

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  I helped my grandmother clean houses and one day I was dusting at a home she worked at and I saw passports on a bureau and was looking at them and the woman whose house it was caught me looking at the passports and she said, “Oh you can look at it,” and then said, “I bet you wish you could go to some of these places.  Too bad it will never happen.  Now go put this in the laundry.”  

My grandmother overheard the exchange and followed me into the laundry and took my face in her two hands and said, “Don’t pay any mind to that peckerwood, you will go to many places and have as many stamps in your passport.”

Hearing her words, “don’t pay them no never mind” was a reminder to just keep going and that ultimately helped me write the book.  

Even if the only one who reads it is my grandmother, I’d be thankful.  I’m writing it for all the people who read the article in Pasadena and for my grandmother who convinced the local paper to put me in there when most of the time the people who were showcased were debutantes from the other side of town.  

My grandmother was right because I now have a whole bunch of stamps in my passport!

MDRC:  Can you share more about your writing experiences?

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  Later, I wanted to write an article for EBONY magazine about living in Japan.  I was one of a few people of color attending a prestigious university there and wanted to write about the experience from a cultural perspective and share with others what it was like. The person I connected to at EBONY turned down the pitch.

Self-publishing was not reputable back then.  Now with social media we can communicate in liberating ways to tell our own unfiltered stories and not have to wait for someone else’s approval.  For example, #blacklivesmatter.  The truth is I know what I know and there are so many people who have dreams that are dismissed.  

When I went to that Guidepost writers’ workshop, I was told I have a story and a voice, but I was so intimidated by the process.  People were very friendly and encouraging and also very old and very white.  It was hard for me to ask the questions I needed to ask because I felt so different and I was the youngest person there.  I did more listening.  In retrospect, if I had asked for help, I would have received it, but I did not know how to ask for help.  

MDRC:  Tell me about your organization Girls Fly! 

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  In 2010, I was about to implode.  I felt pregnant with all that I was carrying around.  I knew I needed to pause and figure it out and stop having to do what was mandatory for me to do.  I felt like I was constantly doing what I needed to do but it wasn’t addressing another part of what I was called to do.  I told my husband, “If I don’t figure it out, I will just implode, and I’ll feel like I helped others achieve their dreams and I won’t ever achieve mine.”  Bless his heart.  He said, “Let’s figure it out.”

You don’t know what you don’t know, and it is sometimes hard to think clearly, so I pray, “If I’m not feeling right, take it away.”  And then something will happen to tell me I was seeing it right.  I had no idea where my dreaming would land me or what I’d have to walk away from.  Eventually, I collapsed, and it was a problem with my heart.  I was on the phone with a doctor friend and told her what I was feeling, and she said, “you are feeling congestive heart failure.  I have to call 911.”  

I felt like I might die from a broken heart if I didn’t do what was in my heart:  to encourage women and girls to be reaffirmed,  to hear from others with similar dreams, and to have access to people who can help guide them towards their dreams. That’s how my organization GIRLS FLY! came into being.  I want girls to know they are not alone.  I found authors willing to inspire the girls and I also collaborate with them.

I’m am now working on my second book, as I now know more about the publishing process and feel more comfortable with my writer’s voice.  Redesigning Your Life from the Inside Out.  It’s about the principles that I use in GIRLS FLY!  

MDRC:  What are your thoughts about the obstacles we face in life?

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  I recently listened to a sermon about people who come against us.  Around the same time, I also watched a story where Michael Jordan talked about a couple of players that got his goat, causing him to get so worked up within his own thoughts that it fueled him to keep going.  The forces we resist — that hold us back — can become a source of fuel, almost like jet propulsion.  My grandma saying, “don’t pay her no never mind” has stayed with me.

We thank the people who cheer us on.  In retrospect, I should have dedicated the book to the naysayers.

In 2018, I found a book editor who was going to help me get the book written.  I think when she read it something caused her to feel uncomfortable and she said, “This is garbage.  No one will ever read it.  You should burn it.”  This is a woman of color who had an illustrious career on paper. I couldn’t even finish reading her e-mail.  I was anticipating guidance and I got that.  I went into my bedroom and sat on the bed and said, “Wow.  That is so messed up.”  She was saying my life experiences were worthless.  We cannot assume that just because people look like us that they are for us.  And the converse is true: we can’t assume someone who doesn’t look like us is against us.

My husband came and read the entire e-mail (because I couldn’t finish it) and he said, “Okay, then she wasn’t the right one and you found out earlier than later.  Babe go for a walk and find someone else.  It has to be her own personal issue because what she wrote was extreme.”

It took me about four to six months before I could go find someone else, but during that time I did keep writing.  I needed to get the words out of my system.  A friend eventually connected me to an editor, and I got a book coach.  I now have a couple of editors I’ve worked with.

I walk the talk of my faith.  What I want is to connect good people with other good people to bring out the best in everyone and have goodness passed along.  I have to remember that not everyone is going to come with the same intentions.  Everything does not qualify as a gem just because it’s a rock.  I have come to distinguish.  For a long time when we were living in Arizona, I was collecting rocks that look like hearts and that took discernment.  

In writing and sharing about the book launch, my friend Karla asked how she could pray for me. Today, I told her, “let me be at peace with the book getting into the hands of the people who need it and let the day of the book launch be fun.”

The first person to unsubscribe from the e-blast about the Book Launch on May 20th was the editor who told me to burn the book.

MDRC:  You have a VIRTUAL BOOK LAUNCH coming up.  Tell us more…

GAEL SYLVIA PULLEN:  I wrote the book to thank my husband for his support.  Truth be told, I would have been happy with it if I only had five copies of the book.  One for my husband to thank him for his unwavering support.  One for my son who reads a lot. A third and fourth for my cheerleaders, my mother-in-law in Connecticut and my dear sister-friend Arlene, and one for me.

I wrote this book with the hope of being a reaffirming voice to encourage others to keep going and to be relentless in seeking the good around them.  

FACEBOOK LIVE LAUNCH date May 20th begins at 9:00 am (Pacific) running through 6 pm (Pacific).  Find:  Gael Sylvia Events on Facebook.

For more info visit:  https://gaelsylvia.com

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Author Events, Author interview, Book release, Gael Sylvia Pullen, Girls Fly!

May 6, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok 1 Comment

You Can’t Run and You Can’t Hide: The Inescapable presence of Sexism

Photo by Markus Spiske

When the reality of the Covid-19 pandemic hit the U.S., I like millions of others, began to redesign the way I spend time.  Battling daily doses of chilling news reports, I became more and more frightened as the days progressed.  Over time, I found that it was getting harder and harder for me to sleep at night, so I did something I rarely do — I looked on my phone to see if I could find a movie to watch before bed as an escape from the sheer enormity of it all.   

            After scouring the options, I landed on Clue.  I hadn’t seen it when it was in the theaters and most importantly, Clue was my absolute favorite board game as a young child.  I loved the deductive process involved in trying to figure out who did it, where, and with what instrument.

            Shortly into the movie, there is a scene where two unacquainted guests arrive at a mansion they’ve both been summoned to.  After ringing the doorbell, the male in the couple puts his hands on the woman’s ass and grabs it.  She gives him a distressed look but remains silent.  The door is answered and the two enter the hallway as if nothing has happened.  Several minutes later, there’s another scene in a dining room where a newly arrived guest is seated at the head of the table.  A buxom maid with a very revealing cleavage enters and stands next to this new guest.  Again, he grabs her ass and she startles, but says nothing.   At that point I turn off the movie.  My attempt at relaxation has been thwarted.  I am angry and upset and sleep is elusive.

            Several days later, a friend on a group call mentions the series Money Heist.  Still desperate for something to lose myself in, I begin to watch it.  Having lived in Spain for a year, I love that it’s filmed in Madrid and love hearing the Castilian Spanish.  I quickly get hooked.  Hooked, that is, until one of the main characters rapes a hostage in a scene that creates the illusion that the hostage is consenting, when in reality she is only seeking to save her life (a fact made explicit several episodes later).  I am disgusted and traumatized by the scene and can no longer succumb to the lure of a fast-paced drama about an eccentric group of rebels robbing The Royal Mint of Spain.

            I am sheltering in place, a fact that might suggest that I am free from the daily encounters with sexism that I experience in the workplace, on the streets, or while attempting to socialize at a bar, restaurant, or club.  The truth is, I have to remain on guard at home too with each and every decision to let something enter into the private realm of my living room or bedroom.  It’s exhausting, it’s demoralizing, and it’s hard to manage on top of the base line level of stress everyone is dealing with, some much more than others.

            All this comes on the tail of Joe Biden being accused of sexual assault.  I can’t completely take this in, but it has me feeling for the first time in my entire adult life that I may not vote.  I hear my husband’s admonition, along with the voices of the commentators screaming, “you have to vote in 2020!”  Yet I am sick of having to overlook blatant sexism and sexual assault – in a movie, in a television series, and in real life.  

            If am part of the resistance then my job is to say, “no, it’s not okay for you to harm us and then act like it didn’t happen.”  My job is to resist the allure of escapism and stay awake in the game, even if it means I don’t get any sleep at all.                                         

Photo by Markus Spike on https://www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Biden, Casa de Papel, Clue, Money Heist, Sexism, Voting 2020

April 29, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Creativity during Covid: Author to release new children’s story on May 1, 2020

When the shelter in place order was announced in March 2020, one of the first things I thought about was having to cancel a trip to see my young nieces.  We were all scheduled to meet on a cruise ship for my nephew’s wedding in April.  

I got the idea that I could stay connected to my niece Sonia in New York by reading her stories. A luddite by nature, I felt determined to overcome my technological fears and have some fun.  In the first video, I donned a colorful parrot hat at the moment when the character spoke about her pet parrot.  My niece enjoyed the book.   Then I realized that my other niece’s birthday was coming up, so I read On The Day You Were Born, the book a friend gifted our family when my first son was born.  My sister in Miami told me my niece Ella was thrilled to see me on video.

Inspired, I asked my fifteen-year-old son to set up a YouTube channel for me, which he did in twelve minutes.  That is how Storytelling with Tia Maria came to be.  After posting the first week of stories on my Facebook page, a teacher friend asked me if I would read stories in Spanish.  Happy to be able to provide support to students and parents seeking ways to learn at home, I read a couple of books in Spanish.

Storytelling with Tia Maria has become a fun creative outlet for me. I’ve learned that even adults are finding enjoyment.  Amie Lam, a bilingual activist and facilitator based in Oakland told me about the value she’s receiving. “Stories are so important, for both children and adults. They give a tangible space for imagination, play, language development, and so much more. For me, the more exposure we have to stories, that are familiar and new to us, the more we learn about the world around us.”

Four-and-a-half-year-old Sonia listened to a story about Winnie the Pooh and friends in Episode 24 and said, “Aaawww cute. The stories are cool.”

When I read a story about grasshopper pie and included a recipe at the end, my nine-year-old niece Kiara was thrilled.“I like Tia Maria’s storytelling because it’s fun and she sometimes includes fun recipes that I can make afterwards.” 

Kiara and her two sisters watched the first video in Miami, Florida, and will watch the next release on May 1st from their home in Rosholt, South Dakota.  For the May 1, 2020 video I’m doing something different.  Instead of reading a story from a book, I’ve written my own story to celebrate Kiara’s birthday, which will include a recipe from the Peanuts Cook Book by June Dutton, a book that I purchased in 1969 for sixty cents!  

While the price of books has changed over the years, one thing that hasn’t is the universal love of storytelling. To watch Storytelling with Tia Maria visit: https://tinyurl.com/Storytelling-with-Tia-Maria  Please remember to LIKE the story and, if inclined, subscribe to the channel.

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: Childrens Books, Covid-19, New release, Storytelling

April 22, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok 1 Comment

Behind Closed Covid Doors

by Maria Ramos Chertok April 2020

I was talking to a friend on the phone,  doing a “Covid check-in” as I’ve come to call them.  Our conversation touched on the usual pandemic topics:  how we’re holding up, what we’re doing to make meaning, how we’re spending time.  Then she brought up the kids.  “I can’t stop thinking about all the kids who are being sexually abused at home.  Now they can’t even escape to school or find temporary relief when the abuser is at work.”  I felt her statement hit me like a virtual gut punch.  I’d been thinking about victims of domestic violence, but had stopped short of actually tapping into the children victims of abuse.  As she spoke, I let my guard down and stopped compartmentalizing.  I felt the sadness, the fear, and the unimaginable pain of having nowhere at all to go.

There has been media coverage about the rise in domestic violence during the shelter in place mandate of the pandemic.  It is of special interest to me because as a child my mother, a women’s rights activist, opened our come as a shelter for battered women and their children.  Her work in the area continues into her seventies as the Director of several shelters for battered and homeless women.  https://www.strengthenoursisters.org.  After law school, I too worked in the field as a crisis counselor for victims of domestic violence, so my mind and heart went to these victims first as I thought about the many less visible impacts of the covid-19 pandemic.

I was on a webinar hosted by the Building Movement Project this last week listening to speakers talk about the impact of the pandemic on their communities.  One speaker was Claudia Medina, the Executive Director of Enlace Comunitario, a nonprofit in New Mexico serving Spanish speaking victims of domestic violence www.enlacenm.org. She shared that many abusive partners have lost their jobs, so they are at home 24/7 with the victims.  This same week I read that The United Nations is calling for urgent action to combat a global rise in domestic violence during coronavirus lockdowns.  

But, what about the children of sexual abuse who are forced into sequestration with abusers?  These children have very little support and visibility during non-pandemic conditions.  Minors have very few legal rights and very few ways to access supportive resources.  Children are essentially property of their parents.  It is hard to intervene in that legal relationship and remove a parent’s access to their child.  On top of that, abusers often threaten harm if the abuse is disclosed.  Fear of harm, combined with shame, make it difficult to speak out.  When a child does speak out, often they are not believed and sometimes they are blamed. For younger children they might not be aware that what is being done is illegal and improper.

April, as it turns out, is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  On April 8, 2020, the WHO issued a Joint Leader’s statement, “Violence against Children:  A hidden crisis of the Covid-19 pandemic.”   https://www.who.int/news-room/detail/08-04-2020-joint-leader-s-statement—violence-against-children-a-hidden-crisis-of-the-covid-19-pandemic#.Xpb6IDWmiSw.facebook

In the meantime, what can you do?  To begin, please tell the children in your life that no one has a right to touch their body anytime, in any way without their permission.  That includes you.  Listen to your children if they tell you that someone has touched them in a way that wasn’t respectful.  Pay attention to what the children in your life share with you.  Treat what they have to say as if it were as important as what you have to say.

As the saying goes, “World peace begins at home,” and what could be a better use of your time sheltering in place than creating a sense of wellbeing and peace for children?

Another thing you can do is donate to organizations working with survivors.

My friend’s last words during our Covid check-in were, “We must find a new way.”  May this crisis propel us to find a new way to detect abuse, listen carefully, and provide support to children suffering from sexual abuse. 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: child sexual abuse, Covid-19, domestic violence

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About Maria

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A graduate of UC Berkeley and the University of Pennsylvania School of Law, Maria was a fellow with the National Hispana Leadership Institute, where she attended the Center for Creative Leadership and Harvard School of Public Policy. She received her mediation training from the Center for … Read more...

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