Maria Ramos Chertok

Writer, Workshop Leader & Coach

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November 25, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Strange Times

It’s been nine months of laying low inside the house and things are starting to get weird.  I figure it’s time for me to come clean about what’s really going on.  Just a few snippets should do the trick:

  • The layer of dust on the furniture in our home is so thick that my son used his finger to write a Happy Birthday message to my husband, a message that we’ve all been passing by and reading for several weeks now with no apparent inclination by anyone to wipe it off.
  • The other day I walked into the room where my son was attending on-line school.  I looked at his computer screen and saw nothing.  Curious, I asked what was going on.  “We’re in breakout rooms alone,” my son explained.  “Why?” “The teacher said it would help us concentrate.”  Never, ever, did I think anyone would stoop so low as to call that education.
  • One of my sons has started meowing.  We don’t have a cat, so he’s not imitating anything.  He’s simply found a new way of expressing himself during Covid.  It’s more unnerving than you might imagine.  He uses it as a greeting, an affirmation, and a rejection.  I’m not really sure where to go with this one or what to do.  Intervene?  How?  Why?  It seems to go perfectly with the state of affairs around here, so I’m accepting it as part of the “new normal” that everyone I talk to references, ad nauseam.
  • The other day I asked my youngest son what good shows there were on Netflix.  His response, “Queens Gambit, but you and papa won’t like it because it’s really good.”

If you’re up for sharing your strange times anecdotes…leave a comment!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Photo by Rafal Werczynski www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog

November 18, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Gemstones: An Interview with Gen Z Advocate Haleema Bharoocha

This is my seventh Gemstones piece, a blog post featuring people who lead with an open heart and work to uplift others. I’m honored to have the chance to introduce you to the work of Haleema Bharoocha

Tell me a little bit about who you are?

There are a lot of aspects of how I define myself: strong, weightlifter, advocate, community leader.  There were times growing up when I felt that I would only be seen as a Muslim woman because of the hijab I wear, but now that’s not at the forefront of my mind.

How do you define your work?

I go back and forth between activist, organizer, and advocate.  Most accurate is activist and advocate.  For example, working with BART is an example of advocating within the system to create change.  I have a background in Sociology and that influences how I see the world.  I am part of Gen Z (the top of it, as I just turned 22 this year).  My undergraduate degree is in Sociology (Seattle University) which gave me the language to name the experiences I saw growing up — like gender-based violence and Islamophobia.

Tell me about Gen Z…

It’s a generation that’s had to grow up faster and, from the get-go, has access to technology so it’s a generation that is very politically and socially engaged, like working to make voting accessible to younger people and working to prevent gun violence.  For example, we recently had a candidate town hall in Oakland where young people interviewed candidates and give their endorsements.  There is a lot of engagement by Gen Z.  Some well-known Gen Z leaders are Naomi Wadler, Isra Hirsi, Mari Copeny.

Tell me what is most important to you?

My community and creating spaces where we have access to safety –safety from gender-based violence.

I do this through my work at Alliance for Girls and in that capacity have been part of an Advisory Board where we are tasked with taking 50% of the police budget and coming up with a plan of what we’d do with the money to create safety.  We’re examining what safety means for girls and how can we get it without police involvement.  We’ve also been asking girls to define what safety means for them?  

We’ve heard themes related to:

  • Feeling a sense of belonging
  • Having representation from people who look like them and share similar backgrounds
  • Affirmative consent

I’m also working with BART to create safety during travel from gender-based violence and I have been working with community artists and members to discuss these very challenging issues that have been around for a long time, yet effective solutions have still not been found.

Now with the elections the issue of safety is also present on a national level with stores boarding up and people talking about coups happening.   There is also the lack of safety with children being separated from their families under the current administration and even with Biden elected, the white supremacists may respond in ways that threaten our safety, so there are many ways the issue shows up for my community and in the work that is most important to me.

Deep political divisions exist in the U.S. What do you see as the way forward?

Looking specifically at the South Asian community and non-black people of color we talk about the issue as it’s just black and white and that has given us (South Asians and non-black people of color) a pass.  But there is a way that we are complicit in upholding white supremacy and I’ve been doing work on this through South Asians for Black lives to have us look at how we have been complicit and the ways we can actively put our privilege on the line and diminish the deep divides.  For South Asians, we need to take a hard look in the mirror and unpack our baggage.  During the past few months with the killing of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Tony McDade, and countless others and people saying, “I’m so shocked” shows me how much work we still have to do.  

Even with that there are South Asians for Black Lives having conversations and kids who created a facilitation guide about how to have conversations about these issues with our parents to discuss issues like looting and what it means.  There is a process that begins with developing an awareness, then educating ourselves, followed by an interrogation of how we have been complicit, and then taking action.  The outcome has to be action to help create change.  These steps are not an end goal, but rather part of an ongoing educational process.

I can recommend two videos that are very thought-provoking on this: one by a black person in the UK who did a video in JUNE 2020 which was a call out to South Asians and another video by a South Asian that talks about ways South Asians have been complicit in upholding white supremacy.

Tell me about your self-care practice?

I do Olympic weightlifting and cross fit.  Olympic weightlifting requires a little more technique than power lifting.  I started working out when I was 12 or 13 with my mom at my local mosque and then we went to an all-women’s gym and I worked my way up to the 60 lb. bar and I saw the staff starting to caution me, instead of encourage me.  

I then moved on to cross-fit at the age of 15 or 16 and that was the first time I got to lift heavyweights.  In high school I had a teacher who encouraged me to lift heavier and I really liked that.  In cross fit, you do a lot of cardio, gymnastics, and weights so you never get bored and that’s what I really like about it.

They help me center and take a break from everything.  

I also teach self-defense through Malikah. The movements are derived from martial arts but they are not a particular style/discipline.  They are focused on how to get out of common situations related to gender-based violence (e.g., someone grabbing your hijab, someone having their arm around your neck).  The training is trauma-informed and survivor-centered, meaning that we are explicit about participants not having to do anything they don’t want to do and for them to give consent to everything they participate in. We are aware of and sensitive to the fact that participants may have experienced gender-based violence and understand the impact that can have.  

In addition to defending against physical violence we also teach verbal de-escalation:  How to be specific when you are asking for help, engaging bystanders to intervene, identifying what is happening to you, repeating your request (aka “broken record technique”).  When we begin the workshop, our framework and opening is to remind women that this is just one tool for protection, emphasizing that the onus for stopping gender-based violence should not be placed on victims/survivors.

What’s your favorite kind of work to do?

There are a lot of different topics I have a background in.  As a Muslim South Asian person, I have lived experience and have done research on:

  • Islamophobia and gender-based violence
  • Bystander Intervention to interrupt islamophobia
  • Algorithmic violence and how artificial intelligence (AI) and algorithms target people of color.

I feel that not enough people know about these issues and understand these issues, so I do a lot of trainings and workshops on these topics.  

Something I do for fun on the side is graphic design.  All the graphics on my South Asians for Black Lives website are ones I’ve done.  It makes everything look clean and nice.  It’s a side and fun thing I do.  

One of the best ways to learn more about my work is to visit my website.

To hear more from Haleema, join her on Instagram Live in conversation with Paula Farmer (@paulawritesreviews) of SILENT WATER PRODUCTIONS WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 2, 2020 at 3 pm (Pacific).

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: bystander intervention, gender based violence, Islamaphobia, self-defense

November 11, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Seek First to Understand…

It has taken me a while to even attempt to put words on the page.  I’m numb, which is one of the ways I cope with distress.  This past week, I’ve gotten texts from friends and family across the nation sharing celebratory words and emojis.  I’ve responded in kind.  Some have been more inquisitive, asking open-endedly, “How are you feeling?”  For those people I’ve been more forthright:  I can’t focus, and I feel distanced from my mind and vaguely terrified.  


I have to be honest.  Intellectually, I know there is reason for jubilation, and I admire the people in the streets who found their dance groove.  Emotionally, though, I can’t connect to the joy.  I am stuck, instead, on the fact that 70 million people voted to re-elect the 45th president even after experiencing these last four years.  They voted, I suspect because they actually liked what they saw and that has me scared. 

On the Sunday before election day, in fact, a caravan of trucks drove through our neighboring town – Marin City – which is home to the largest African American population in Marin County.  A longtime resident described it to me: “It was like having the KKK in my living room.”  Her daughter sobbed uncontrollably after seeing the six-block long caravan of trucks and one fire engine honking and waving Trump signs, there to intimidate under the guise of exercising their First Amendment rights.

This morning I heard Tom Perez, Democratic National Committee Chair, on the radio.  He summed it up perfectly: “Our first priority on election day was defeating Trump.  Our second priority is defeating Trumpism, which predates Trump, some would say by 400 years.”  

I’m taking my skill in conflict resolution, anti-racist training, and coaching, and I am asking myself some questions:

  • Conflict resolution:  Where can I seek first to understand, then to be understood?
  • Anti-racist training:  How do I work to create a world where Black Lives Matter?
  • Coaching:  What is my next smallest step?

I returned to Adrienne Maree Brown’s book, Emergent Strategies, and re-read her summary of Margaret Wheatly’s work in Leadership and the New Science.  One key learning from Margaret’s work is that “everything is about relationships, critical connections.” One of Adrienne’s core principals is that “Small is good, Small is all.”

I feel the need to somehow humanize the people I cannot accept.  Certainly, that is not all of my work, but it has to be a part of it. To accomplish this, I am launching a pilot fellowship across the political divide. This space will not be a forum for persuading others to adopt a different viewpoint or as a soapbox for pontification. Instead, I am seeking twelve people who have an interest in listening and sharing. What I learned from years of mediation work is that people in conflict resist understanding another’s viewpoint because they fear that understanding suggests agreement. Can we understand without agreement?  Does doing so matter? I am curious to find out.

Here is a short description:  Seek First to Understand:  Fellowship Across the Political Divide

Description:  In this pilot program, twelve adults from across the political spectrum will come together to explore conflict styles, identify core values, engage in storytelling, and learn about differing perspectives with the goal of exploring how relationship-building works when people hold widely differing (and often opposing) political viewpoints.  

Could we possibly humanize and understand one another?  To what end, I’m not yet certain.  Nor am I certain that this is the best use of my time.  I’m open to hearing your thoughts on this idea.

If you can think of anyone who would be open to exploring this, please contact me.  It’s one my next smallest steps.

Photo by Jason Leung on www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog

November 2, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

How are U?

Is your brain ready to implode?  Mine certainly feels like it could.

I feel overwhelmed trying to process the vast amounts information out there on virtually every topic:

  • November 3, 2020 election and election anxiety
  • Systemic racism
  • Implications of the newest Supreme Court Justice
  • 45’s tweets, actions and the constant social commentary
  • Health, pandemic, safety
  • Wildfires and corresponding PG&E power outages
  • The national and international economies

That’s not to mention one’s own life, online school, children and family, and the daily grind of cooking, shopping, cleaning, and staying afloat.

Everyone is so tired of it all and that’s showing up in different ways.  I wonder how this time will be reported in history.

I’m trying to stay connected, not shut down; to stay kind, not irritated; to stay patient, not annoyed.

One of the colleagues has a signature line reading, “It’s okay not to be okay,” with a link to Mental Health America. Another organization has a list of self-care resources, including an article by the Nap Ministry, “As the Grind Culture Slows Down, Will You?”  Everyone, it seems, is trying to find ways to cope.

My clients and colleagues often apologize for not being able to focus, for being overwhelmed, for not knowing what our meeting is about, or for the background noise of a child or an animal.  I try to remind them it’s expected.  No apologies required.

Occasionally, when I’m out, I’ll overhear someone guiltily admit to a friend that they’re feeling good:  finding hidden treasures in slowing down, being with family, staying at home, making a meal, gardening, or simply not having a daily commute.  These folks seem to feel bad they are happy in the face of so much suffering.  I applaud their pleasure.  Invite pleasure in when it knocks.

The goal of this post is to remind you that it’s okay to be feeling whatever you are feeling. Enjoy the ups and do your best during the downturns.  

Our nation dealing with avoidance — avoidance of the racial divide that formed the basis of our country, avoidance of the need to reduce our consumption, avoidance of honoring the earth.  It’s all catching up with us and it’s a lot.  Your presence is required.  Take the time you need to collect yourself so that you can be in this for the long haul – no one knows how long that will be for them, so make the most of today by slowing down and honoring something in or around you.

Photo by Siora Photography www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: election fatigue, overwhelm, self care

October 21, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Click Here: Teenager to Adult

I’ve been watching my son work on his personal essays for college applications.  It’s been quite a gift to see what he says, both about who he is and the forces that have shaped his life and identity.  

I remember very distinctly when I wrote my college essay:  New Year’s Eve 1979.  Back then, the most significant force that shaped my life was my mother opening our family home as a shelter for battered women and children.  That was certainly an attention-getting topic, but in many ways, it’s plagued me as being the thing that is most interesting about me — something that happened to me, not something I did, achieved, led, or created. 

My son, in contrast, is writing about personal obstacles he’s overcome, leadership opportunities he’s taken, and insights he’s gained.  I’m envious.  Sad as that sounds, I do wonder what I’d be like if I weren’t me.  If I’d had the class privilege my son has and the unrecognized gift of a quiet home, emotional stability, and financial security.  It’s a fool’s errand to spiral into that inquiry, but it’s intriguing.  

I feel strongly that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to see them – to really see them.  Along those lines, I’ve tried to see the young people I’ve helped with college essays (three and counting) for who they are and who they are becoming.  It’s curious and it takes work — really listening to how they describe themselves and their interests and encouraging them to stand tall in their views, maybe for the first time. 

While it’s a privilege for a seventeen-year-old to have the opportunity to explain to the college admissions world who they are, it’s also daunting. Moving from teen to legal adult is a big transition that can easily overwhelm, and it coincides with teens often pushing away their parents to seem like they have it together, when they might really need adult perspective and support.

Look around. What young person in your life needs to be seen? Who could use some lifting up, encouragement, or good editing? Who could use some deep listening? (NOTE: not your unsolicited advice or judgments). Very likely it’s someone in your family or in your community.  It’s a gift to be seen and its value is priceless.  Now’s the time to reach out and work your magic.

Photo by shotlist on www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: college applications, seeing your children, teenagers

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About Maria

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A graduate of UC Berkeley and the University of Pennsylvania School of Law, Maria was a fellow with the National Hispana Leadership Institute, where she attended the Center for Creative Leadership and Harvard School of Public Policy. She received her mediation training from the Center for … Read more...

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