Maria Ramos Chertok

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You are here: Home / Archives for college applications

January 28, 2021 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

The Art of Letting Go: JANUARY 2021 Blog Post

My son was accepted into college in December 2020 and will be moving to the East Coast in the fall. With all the excitement that entails, I feel scared. For the past two days, I’ve participated in a workshop with Rockwood Leadership Institute called The Art of Navigating Change. Participants were asked to bring a “wicked problem” to the session. Having given some thought to what to choose, I kept coming back to the same one:  my fear, maybe better described as terror, at letting my oldest son go out into the world alone.  There are many dimensions to my fear, which I won’t get into here, but the crux of it is that I don’t trust the world. I do trust mother earth, but not necessarily her inhabitants. 
 
As I gave more thought to this, I realized that it’s a mindset largely influenced by how one experiences the world. My primary concern for safety is based on my gender. I, for example, don’t feel safe walking alone, at night, anywhere, ever. I do not experience the world as a safe place.
 
When discussing my “wicked problem” the people in my small group reminded me that I must also take in the joy he’s about to encounter: the opportunity to come into himself in a new way, to make lasting friendships, to explore relationships, and to experience the East Coast. I tried to take in their wise council. I want to turn off that part of my brain that knows too much. How can I entrust my baby to the world when I don’t trust it? My son has had a good life – I want to protect that for him, and I can’t.  
 
I remember the day in 1980 when my mother said goodbye to me at the airport as she returned to New Jersey, leaving me in Berkeley, California. I can picture the tears in her eyes. I had no patience for them. I was ready to begin my new life and I’ve been on the West Coast ever since.  I’ve always thought of myself as footloose and fancy-free when it comes to relationships of all kinds.  Now I’m all tears.  
 
As a parent, I have to let go and understand that the “wicked problem” might simply be not having my worries define his experience and giving him the freedom to learn about the world with all the good and bad that entails. I have to let him find his own joy and his own sorrow and that, right about now, feels wicked hard. 

Photo by Nick Fewings www.unsplash.com
 

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: art of change, college, college applications

October 21, 2020 By Maria Ramos-Chertok Leave a Comment

Click Here: Teenager to Adult

I’ve been watching my son work on his personal essays for college applications.  It’s been quite a gift to see what he says, both about who he is and the forces that have shaped his life and identity.  

I remember very distinctly when I wrote my college essay:  New Year’s Eve 1979.  Back then, the most significant force that shaped my life was my mother opening our family home as a shelter for battered women and children.  That was certainly an attention-getting topic, but in many ways, it’s plagued me as being the thing that is most interesting about me — something that happened to me, not something I did, achieved, led, or created. 

My son, in contrast, is writing about personal obstacles he’s overcome, leadership opportunities he’s taken, and insights he’s gained.  I’m envious.  Sad as that sounds, I do wonder what I’d be like if I weren’t me.  If I’d had the class privilege my son has and the unrecognized gift of a quiet home, emotional stability, and financial security.  It’s a fool’s errand to spiral into that inquiry, but it’s intriguing.  

I feel strongly that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to see them – to really see them.  Along those lines, I’ve tried to see the young people I’ve helped with college essays (three and counting) for who they are and who they are becoming.  It’s curious and it takes work — really listening to how they describe themselves and their interests and encouraging them to stand tall in their views, maybe for the first time. 

While it’s a privilege for a seventeen-year-old to have the opportunity to explain to the college admissions world who they are, it’s also daunting. Moving from teen to legal adult is a big transition that can easily overwhelm, and it coincides with teens often pushing away their parents to seem like they have it together, when they might really need adult perspective and support.

Look around. What young person in your life needs to be seen? Who could use some lifting up, encouragement, or good editing? Who could use some deep listening? (NOTE: not your unsolicited advice or judgments). Very likely it’s someone in your family or in your community.  It’s a gift to be seen and its value is priceless.  Now’s the time to reach out and work your magic.

Photo by shotlist on www.unsplash.com

Filed Under: Blog Tagged With: college applications, seeing your children, teenagers

About Maria

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A graduate of UC Berkeley and the University of Pennsylvania School of Law, Maria was a fellow with the National Hispana Leadership Institute, where she attended the Center for Creative Leadership and Harvard School of Public Policy. She received her mediation training from the Center for … Read more...

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