Maria Ramos Chertok

Writer, Workshop Leader & Coach

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Boredom: Musings (Part I)

I started facilitating an online group of thirteen and fourteen teenage girls in my Butterfly Series in mid-June.  In our first session during the check in, everyone said how “bored” they were sheltering in place and not being able to be out in the world, especially during this time of social movements taking to the streets with Black Lives Matter at the forefront of America’s consciousness.

When I heard them talk about being bored, I understood.  I too have felt bored, not just with the vast limitations placed on my movement and social interactions, but at other times in my pre-COVID life.  And because of that, I’ve been pondering boredom. 

My quest began with seeking a definition:  Boredom (noun) – the state of feeling bored.  That didn’t help much.  So, I continued. Bored (adjective) – feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.  Okay, more to the point.  Then I came across the word ennui defined as a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of occupation or excitement.  I like this word better because it identifies external factors as responsible, unlike boredom which insinuates something is wrong with the bored individual.  Ennui has a mystery to it, a suggestion of something sultry, almost enticing.  I’m already feeling better.

Then I start researching quotes about boredom to see what those deemed thoughtful by the mainstream (aka notable white men) have concluded.  I don’t typically go to mainstream sources for insight, but I did find this inquiry interesting (a real testament to my boredom).   Turns out there are a few clusters that the quotes tend to fall in.

Cluster #1: Wishful thinking

“Boredom always precedes a period of great creativity.”  Robert M. Pirsig

I’m not sure this is true, although I’d like to think it is.  It does make sense that boredom would inspire new ideas.  When I asked my fifteen-year-old son about the upside to boredom he immediately said, “it makes you think about new things.”  When I’m bored, I don’t usually feel so hopeful, but I do have to admit that I have begun doing new things to shake off the boredom of my daily routine like driving out to the beach early in the morning to walk, buying vegan chocolate cookies from the farmer’s market for breakfast www.bossbikkie.com  and decorating my office with white lights.  Highly Creative?  Not sure.  Enjoyable? Yes.

Cluster #2:  The philosophical roots of boredom

“Boredom:  The desire for desires.”  Leo Tolstoy

I like the sound of this, but it sounds like Leo is describing depression more than boredom.  I think the “desire for desires” is wanting something to ignite your passion and while I’d love that too, my threshold for not being bored seems a great deal lower.  I wonder if something got lost in the translation, given Russian was his first language.  I’m thinking “something to grab my interest and hold it with a tight grip for more than three minutes” would be how I’d lower the standard Leo’s set.

Cluster #3:  Social Media and boredom

I log off because I’m bored.  I log back on in five minutes because I’m bored. Post from jokeallucan.blogspot.com

I do appreciate this comment, but it addresses behaviors more than the raw feeling itself.  Using social media to escape boredom doesn’t always work but it does give you something to do, which is often more socially acceptable than staring into space.  Looking busy has a high premium in our productivity-oriented culture.  If you’re staring off into space, you might get a full ten seconds of disengagement time before someone waves their flat palm vertically in front of your eyes to snap you out of the moment and lure you back to their lackluster reality.  Given that social media use is a relatively new activity and boredom has been around since time immemorial, I feel like it doesn’t engage the issue of boredom at the cellular level.  I’m going to keep looking. 

Cluster #4:  Those who are bored wreak havoc

He had been bored, that’s all, bored like most people. Hence, he had made himself out of whole cloth a life full of complications and drama. – Albert Camus, The Fall

This quote sums up what I’ve been guilty of, especially as a younger person, and now what I try not to do.  It also brings to mind the question of alcohol use.  I talk to my two teenage sons about this a lot.  Why do people drink and get drunk?  Often because alcohol makes everything less boring – at least for a small while.  Inhibitions lower, feelings come pouring out, drama increases, problems ensue.  What better way to stay entertained and distracted from the otherwise boring life you’re leading?  I challenge them to enjoy life without alcohol and drugs.  I know, I know.  Boring, right?  

It seems I’ve only scratched the surface here in examining boredom. Given we’ve only heard from white men in this post, I’m committing to interviewing at least four women of color about their musings on boredom and reporting back to you in my July 15th Blog Post. 

Until then, get lost in thought.

Photo by Catherine Heath www.unsplash.com

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Sad

I am sad.  June 9th was the anniversary of my father’s death in 1979 and June 8th was his birth date.  That’s how last week began.  One of the things that rocked me on Monday morning (June 8th) was not realizing what day it was until I sat down at my desk.  Never had I not anticipated my father’s memorial and birthday.  I felt mad at myself for not remembering.  The barrage of emotions surrounding the pandemics of COVID and racism aside, this is my father.              

On top of not having the presence of mind to anticipate the dates, I had no yahrzeit candle — the candle Jewish people light in remembrance of someone who’s passed.  My father was Catholic, but I still light the candle and put a photo of him next to it every year.  This year, I only had a small, scented, blue tea light votive to light. It went out in a couple of hours, unlike the 24 hours that the memorial candle lasts.            

The sadness really hit on Wednesday. I didn’t connect it to my father at first.  I connected it to my macro and micro preoccupations:  mass protests seeking justice for black lives, the rise in COVID cases due to the economy opening back up, my son wanting to go surfing now that the beaches are open, and feeling horrible about all the Netflix my teenage boys are watching.  But all those things had activated familiar anger and frustration – I’d stayed far away from sadness.  I know how to be angry.  I know how to be frustrated.  Sadness takes me out, makes me want to crawl up and disappear.  I tell myself I can’t afford that luxury.       

Then, someone texted me and asked if I was “hopeful.”  No.  I’m not hopeful that racism will finally be addressed in the U.S.                          

That really made me sad.       

On July 13th Rayshard Brooks was shot in Atlanta, Georgia by a white police officer.  Rayshard was inebriated.  I read that he had been in the area to visit his mother’s grave (and to celebrate one of his daughter’s birthdays).  I envision the sign, “I am Rayshard Brooks” as I think about us both grieving the loss of a parent.  Had I let myself get drunk, had I gone to Wendy’s, had I passed out behind the steering wheel, had I black skin, might I, too, be dead?

Yes, I am sad.  

That’s all there is to say.

Photo by Annie Spratt www.unsplash.com

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Five Acronyms that Sum Up my S.I.P.

Photo by Thibault Penin on UNSPLASH

I learned my first Coronavirus pandemic acronym in an email exchange with a colleague.  She hoped that my “SIP” was “going as well as expected.” I paused for a moment and then the brain cells aligned.  Who knew that only two weeks into the official order to shelter in place (aka SIP) there’d be a way to reduce the life-altering experience into three letters of the alphabet?  I felt like I’d missed an entire social agreement.  But the acronyms continued.  PPE was the next one.  News reports referenced it and even my husband, a dental surgeon, walked around lamenting the lack of available personal protective equipment.  Then I learned that COVID-19 is even an acronym:  Corona Virus Disease – 2019.

The SIP experience inspired my own series of acronyms.  Unlike the pithy, creative, catchy, pronounceable, and easy to remember characteristics of most acronyms, mine are lengthy, arduous, unpronounceable, and lacking ingenuity. 

HYNTGIO? – There’s now lots of people here at home with me.  Yes, I’ve met them before but not for this long.  Some of these folks have been tasked with chores, one of which is to empty the garbage.  More people at home equals more garbage.  Have You Noticed The Garbage Is Overflowing? is the phrase I find myself uttering repeatedly.  It’s a curiosity, a wonder.  It seems that HYNTGIO? is needed to effectively communicate via text with my teens, conveniently the ones who inspire this well of inquisitiveness.

TNIEMBICS – At the beginning of SIP, I was glued to the television.  I’d sit in terror as the death count rose daily and, not surprisingly, found I was having trouble sleeping.  Each day I’d get inquiries from families and friends wondering how I was doing.  It feels like an easy response could be The News Is Exhausting Me But I Can’t Sleep. 

AIWDIBWN – a closely related cousin to TNIEMBICS is my lovely, more honest truth:  All I Wanna Do Is Binge-Watch Netflix.  To date I’ve watched all thirty-one episodes of Money Heist, two episodes of Unorthodox, two episodes of Fauda, all seven episodes of Hollywood, ten episodes of Upload, four episodes of How to Get Away with Murder, and one episode of Queen Sono.  Enough said. 

IANA! – I’ll admit that she’s now a part of our family.  She responds on command, has a high tolerance for harassment, assists meal prep with her reliable timer, and is always willing to tell you a joke.  And while I applaud her AI, I Am Not Alexa!  I do not respond on command, I have a zero tolerance for harassment, I am not going to set a timer for you, and don’t expect reliable entertainment.  I have up days and down days and that’s what makes me human in this zoomy-zoom world of ours.

And, finally, MYBSAFMOLBTMOEPTYD — May you be safe and find moments of laugher between the myriad of emotions passing through your day 

Photo by Thibault Penin on UNSPLASH

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Creativity during Covid: Author to release new children’s story on May 1, 2020

When the shelter in place order was announced in March 2020, one of the first things I thought about was having to cancel a trip to see my young nieces.  We were all scheduled to meet on a cruise ship for my nephew’s wedding in April.  

I got the idea that I could stay connected to my niece Sonia in New York by reading her stories. A luddite by nature, I felt determined to overcome my technological fears and have some fun.  In the first video, I donned a colorful parrot hat at the moment when the character spoke about her pet parrot.  My niece enjoyed the book.   Then I realized that my other niece’s birthday was coming up, so I read On The Day You Were Born, the book a friend gifted our family when my first son was born.  My sister in Miami told me my niece Ella was thrilled to see me on video.

Inspired, I asked my fifteen-year-old son to set up a YouTube channel for me, which he did in twelve minutes.  That is how Storytelling with Tia Maria came to be.  After posting the first week of stories on my Facebook page, a teacher friend asked me if I would read stories in Spanish.  Happy to be able to provide support to students and parents seeking ways to learn at home, I read a couple of books in Spanish.

Storytelling with Tia Maria has become a fun creative outlet for me. I’ve learned that even adults are finding enjoyment.  Amie Lam, a bilingual activist and facilitator based in Oakland told me about the value she’s receiving. “Stories are so important, for both children and adults. They give a tangible space for imagination, play, language development, and so much more. For me, the more exposure we have to stories, that are familiar and new to us, the more we learn about the world around us.”

Four-and-a-half-year-old Sonia listened to a story about Winnie the Pooh and friends in Episode 24 and said, “Aaawww cute. The stories are cool.”

When I read a story about grasshopper pie and included a recipe at the end, my nine-year-old niece Kiara was thrilled.“I like Tia Maria’s storytelling because it’s fun and she sometimes includes fun recipes that I can make afterwards.” 

Kiara and her two sisters watched the first video in Miami, Florida, and will watch the next release on May 1st from their home in Rosholt, South Dakota.  For the May 1, 2020 video I’m doing something different.  Instead of reading a story from a book, I’ve written my own story to celebrate Kiara’s birthday, which will include a recipe from the Peanuts Cook Book by June Dutton, a book that I purchased in 1969 for sixty cents!  

While the price of books has changed over the years, one thing that hasn’t is the universal love of storytelling. To watch Storytelling with Tia Maria visit: https://tinyurl.com/Storytelling-with-Tia-Maria  Please remember to LIKE the story and, if inclined, subscribe to the channel.

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Behind Closed Covid Doors

by Maria Ramos Chertok April 2020

I was talking to a friend on the phone,  doing a “Covid check-in” as I’ve come to call them.  Our conversation touched on the usual pandemic topics:  how we’re holding up, what we’re doing to make meaning, how we’re spending time.  Then she brought up the kids.  “I can’t stop thinking about all the kids who are being sexually abused at home.  Now they can’t even escape to school or find temporary relief when the abuser is at work.”  I felt her statement hit me like a virtual gut punch.  I’d been thinking about victims of domestic violence, but had stopped short of actually tapping into the children victims of abuse.  As she spoke, I let my guard down and stopped compartmentalizing.  I felt the sadness, the fear, and the unimaginable pain of having nowhere at all to go.

There has been media coverage about the rise in domestic violence during the shelter in place mandate of the pandemic.  It is of special interest to me because as a child my mother, a women’s rights activist, opened our come as a shelter for battered women and their children.  Her work in the area continues into her seventies as the Director of several shelters for battered and homeless women.  https://www.strengthenoursisters.org.  After law school, I too worked in the field as a crisis counselor for victims of domestic violence, so my mind and heart went to these victims first as I thought about the many less visible impacts of the covid-19 pandemic.

I was on a webinar hosted by the Building Movement Project this last week listening to speakers talk about the impact of the pandemic on their communities.  One speaker was Claudia Medina, the Executive Director of Enlace Comunitario, a nonprofit in New Mexico serving Spanish speaking victims of domestic violence www.enlacenm.org. She shared that many abusive partners have lost their jobs, so they are at home 24/7 with the victims.  This same week I read that The United Nations is calling for urgent action to combat a global rise in domestic violence during coronavirus lockdowns.  

But, what about the children of sexual abuse who are forced into sequestration with abusers?  These children have very little support and visibility during non-pandemic conditions.  Minors have very few legal rights and very few ways to access supportive resources.  Children are essentially property of their parents.  It is hard to intervene in that legal relationship and remove a parent’s access to their child.  On top of that, abusers often threaten harm if the abuse is disclosed.  Fear of harm, combined with shame, make it difficult to speak out.  When a child does speak out, often they are not believed and sometimes they are blamed. For younger children they might not be aware that what is being done is illegal and improper.

April, as it turns out, is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month.  On April 8, 2020, the WHO issued a Joint Leader’s statement, “Violence against Children:  A hidden crisis of the Covid-19 pandemic.”   https://www.who.int/news-room/detail/08-04-2020-joint-leader-s-statement—violence-against-children-a-hidden-crisis-of-the-covid-19-pandemic#.Xpb6IDWmiSw.facebook

In the meantime, what can you do?  To begin, please tell the children in your life that no one has a right to touch their body anytime, in any way without their permission.  That includes you.  Listen to your children if they tell you that someone has touched them in a way that wasn’t respectful.  Pay attention to what the children in your life share with you.  Treat what they have to say as if it were as important as what you have to say.

As the saying goes, “World peace begins at home,” and what could be a better use of your time sheltering in place than creating a sense of wellbeing and peace for children?

Another thing you can do is donate to organizations working with survivors.

My friend’s last words during our Covid check-in were, “We must find a new way.”  May this crisis propel us to find a new way to detect abuse, listen carefully, and provide support to children suffering from sexual abuse. 

About Maria

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A graduate of UC Berkeley and the University of Pennsylvania School of Law, Maria was a fellow with the National Hispana Leadership Institute, where she attended the Center for Creative Leadership and Harvard School of Public Policy. She received her mediation training from the Center for … Read more...

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