Maria Ramos Chertok

Writer, Workshop Leader & Coach

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Offer What You Have; Accept What You Need

How are you?  

Five months into this pandemic is probably a good time to stop and assess how you’re doing.  There is so much going on, so very much, that you can either take it all in and feel your head explode or hide in the sand and hope you’ll wake up to find it’s been a dystopian dream. Most likely, you’ve alternated between these two extremes.  There are so many people in need and there are so many who have things to offer.  Take a moment to take stock.  Below are some questions that might guide you to do something differently and shake up the new normal of your pandemic routine.  

Now is a good time to give what you have to offer and accept help with what you need.

Food:  Do you have enough?  If so, consider donating money to a food bank or starting a food drive for canned goods in your neighborhood to help out those in need.  If you need food, please reach out for help.  Everyone understands these times have created additional hardships.

Extra food?  I had a dozen bananas that I knew I’d end up having to compost. Instead, I took a picture and sent it to neighbors.  One wanted to use them to make banana bread.  That made me happy.  A few days later I needed lemons and asked a different neighbor if I could grab a couple from her tree.  She texted back immediately, encouraging me to take what I needed.  Then a friend stopped by and dropped off a lemon tree for me out of the blue!  

Loss:  Have you lost someone during the pandemic?  If so, reach out to friends and family for comfort.  You can ask for fifteen minutes to simply process what’s in your heart.  You can request there be no interruptions or platitudes (“it’ll be okay”) — just listening.  Local support groups might be something to try.  They’ll hopefully be online, but that could be preferable to the isolation many of us choose during grief.  Faith based institutions might also offer pastoral counseling.  If you know someone who’s experienced a loss, reach out.  You may not know what to say, which is okay. I’d suggest saying, “I’d like to be there for you.  Let me know what you need right now and if you don’t know what that is, let’s talk and figure it out.”

Kids:  Do you have children?  Do others you know have children?  There are a myriad of issues facing parents and their kids including boredom, anxiety about the future, frustration about being back at home with parents, sadness over not seeing friends.  Can you reach out to someone with young adult children to offer support? Help with resume writing?  For little ones can you offer to read a book over zoom.  If you have kids and need assistance, might you ask a friend or family to do this once a week to give you a ½ hour to attend to something else?  

Coping:  Many are turning to drugs and/or alcohol to numb.  Alcoholism is a disease of isolation.  Others are finding their mental health is suffering.  The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) national helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4357) offers, “free, confidential, 24/7, 365 days a year treatment and referral information in English and Spanish for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.” www.samhsa.gov

You might try this option, even if you don’t think of yourself as a person who would call a helpline.  You never know what resources might be available or how a connection with someone who cares could be just what you need at this time.  The number of people experiencing depression has gone up during the pandemic.  If you have insurance or can afford a therapist, visit Psychology Today’s website to find a therapist or support group in your zip code. 

The list goes on: work, finances, health, spirituality, safety, politics, self-care…but, you get the gist.  Offer what you have, be open to asking for what you need.  People want to feel needed and it’s okay to ask for help.  This rugged individualism that’s popular with the no-mask-wearing crowd is not getting us anywhere useful.  Take stock and take action to support yourself and others.

Photo by balouriarajesh on www.pixabay.com

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Boredom: Musings (Part I)

I started facilitating an online group of thirteen and fourteen teenage girls in my Butterfly Series in mid-June.  In our first session during the check in, everyone said how “bored” they were sheltering in place and not being able to be out in the world, especially during this time of social movements taking to the streets with Black Lives Matter at the forefront of America’s consciousness.

When I heard them talk about being bored, I understood.  I too have felt bored, not just with the vast limitations placed on my movement and social interactions, but at other times in my pre-COVID life.  And because of that, I’ve been pondering boredom. 

My quest began with seeking a definition:  Boredom (noun) – the state of feeling bored.  That didn’t help much.  So, I continued. Bored (adjective) – feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.  Okay, more to the point.  Then I came across the word ennui defined as a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from lack of occupation or excitement.  I like this word better because it identifies external factors as responsible, unlike boredom which insinuates something is wrong with the bored individual.  Ennui has a mystery to it, a suggestion of something sultry, almost enticing.  I’m already feeling better.

Then I start researching quotes about boredom to see what those deemed thoughtful by the mainstream (aka notable white men) have concluded.  I don’t typically go to mainstream sources for insight, but I did find this inquiry interesting (a real testament to my boredom).   Turns out there are a few clusters that the quotes tend to fall in.

Cluster #1: Wishful thinking

“Boredom always precedes a period of great creativity.”  Robert M. Pirsig

I’m not sure this is true, although I’d like to think it is.  It does make sense that boredom would inspire new ideas.  When I asked my fifteen-year-old son about the upside to boredom he immediately said, “it makes you think about new things.”  When I’m bored, I don’t usually feel so hopeful, but I do have to admit that I have begun doing new things to shake off the boredom of my daily routine like driving out to the beach early in the morning to walk, buying vegan chocolate cookies from the farmer’s market for breakfast www.bossbikkie.com  and decorating my office with white lights.  Highly Creative?  Not sure.  Enjoyable? Yes.

Cluster #2:  The philosophical roots of boredom

“Boredom:  The desire for desires.”  Leo Tolstoy

I like the sound of this, but it sounds like Leo is describing depression more than boredom.  I think the “desire for desires” is wanting something to ignite your passion and while I’d love that too, my threshold for not being bored seems a great deal lower.  I wonder if something got lost in the translation, given Russian was his first language.  I’m thinking “something to grab my interest and hold it with a tight grip for more than three minutes” would be how I’d lower the standard Leo’s set.

Cluster #3:  Social Media and boredom

I log off because I’m bored.  I log back on in five minutes because I’m bored. Post from jokeallucan.blogspot.com

I do appreciate this comment, but it addresses behaviors more than the raw feeling itself.  Using social media to escape boredom doesn’t always work but it does give you something to do, which is often more socially acceptable than staring into space.  Looking busy has a high premium in our productivity-oriented culture.  If you’re staring off into space, you might get a full ten seconds of disengagement time before someone waves their flat palm vertically in front of your eyes to snap you out of the moment and lure you back to their lackluster reality.  Given that social media use is a relatively new activity and boredom has been around since time immemorial, I feel like it doesn’t engage the issue of boredom at the cellular level.  I’m going to keep looking. 

Cluster #4:  Those who are bored wreak havoc

He had been bored, that’s all, bored like most people. Hence, he had made himself out of whole cloth a life full of complications and drama. – Albert Camus, The Fall

This quote sums up what I’ve been guilty of, especially as a younger person, and now what I try not to do.  It also brings to mind the question of alcohol use.  I talk to my two teenage sons about this a lot.  Why do people drink and get drunk?  Often because alcohol makes everything less boring – at least for a small while.  Inhibitions lower, feelings come pouring out, drama increases, problems ensue.  What better way to stay entertained and distracted from the otherwise boring life you’re leading?  I challenge them to enjoy life without alcohol and drugs.  I know, I know.  Boring, right?  

It seems I’ve only scratched the surface here in examining boredom. Given we’ve only heard from white men in this post, I’m committing to interviewing at least four women of color about their musings on boredom and reporting back to you in my July 15th Blog Post. 

Until then, get lost in thought.

Photo by Catherine Heath www.unsplash.com

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Sad

I am sad.  June 9th was the anniversary of my father’s death in 1979 and June 8th was his birth date.  That’s how last week began.  One of the things that rocked me on Monday morning (June 8th) was not realizing what day it was until I sat down at my desk.  Never had I not anticipated my father’s memorial and birthday.  I felt mad at myself for not remembering.  The barrage of emotions surrounding the pandemics of COVID and racism aside, this is my father.              

On top of not having the presence of mind to anticipate the dates, I had no yahrzeit candle — the candle Jewish people light in remembrance of someone who’s passed.  My father was Catholic, but I still light the candle and put a photo of him next to it every year.  This year, I only had a small, scented, blue tea light votive to light. It went out in a couple of hours, unlike the 24 hours that the memorial candle lasts.            

The sadness really hit on Wednesday. I didn’t connect it to my father at first.  I connected it to my macro and micro preoccupations:  mass protests seeking justice for black lives, the rise in COVID cases due to the economy opening back up, my son wanting to go surfing now that the beaches are open, and feeling horrible about all the Netflix my teenage boys are watching.  But all those things had activated familiar anger and frustration – I’d stayed far away from sadness.  I know how to be angry.  I know how to be frustrated.  Sadness takes me out, makes me want to crawl up and disappear.  I tell myself I can’t afford that luxury.       

Then, someone texted me and asked if I was “hopeful.”  No.  I’m not hopeful that racism will finally be addressed in the U.S.                          

That really made me sad.       

On July 13th Rayshard Brooks was shot in Atlanta, Georgia by a white police officer.  Rayshard was inebriated.  I read that he had been in the area to visit his mother’s grave (and to celebrate one of his daughter’s birthdays).  I envision the sign, “I am Rayshard Brooks” as I think about us both grieving the loss of a parent.  Had I let myself get drunk, had I gone to Wendy’s, had I passed out behind the steering wheel, had I black skin, might I, too, be dead?

Yes, I am sad.  

That’s all there is to say.

Photo by Annie Spratt www.unsplash.com

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Five Acronyms that Sum Up my S.I.P.

Photo by Thibault Penin on UNSPLASH

I learned my first Coronavirus pandemic acronym in an email exchange with a colleague.  She hoped that my “SIP” was “going as well as expected.” I paused for a moment and then the brain cells aligned.  Who knew that only two weeks into the official order to shelter in place (aka SIP) there’d be a way to reduce the life-altering experience into three letters of the alphabet?  I felt like I’d missed an entire social agreement.  But the acronyms continued.  PPE was the next one.  News reports referenced it and even my husband, a dental surgeon, walked around lamenting the lack of available personal protective equipment.  Then I learned that COVID-19 is even an acronym:  Corona Virus Disease – 2019.

The SIP experience inspired my own series of acronyms.  Unlike the pithy, creative, catchy, pronounceable, and easy to remember characteristics of most acronyms, mine are lengthy, arduous, unpronounceable, and lacking ingenuity. 

HYNTGIO? – There’s now lots of people here at home with me.  Yes, I’ve met them before but not for this long.  Some of these folks have been tasked with chores, one of which is to empty the garbage.  More people at home equals more garbage.  Have You Noticed The Garbage Is Overflowing? is the phrase I find myself uttering repeatedly.  It’s a curiosity, a wonder.  It seems that HYNTGIO? is needed to effectively communicate via text with my teens, conveniently the ones who inspire this well of inquisitiveness.

TNIEMBICS – At the beginning of SIP, I was glued to the television.  I’d sit in terror as the death count rose daily and, not surprisingly, found I was having trouble sleeping.  Each day I’d get inquiries from families and friends wondering how I was doing.  It feels like an easy response could be The News Is Exhausting Me But I Can’t Sleep. 

AIWDIBWN – a closely related cousin to TNIEMBICS is my lovely, more honest truth:  All I Wanna Do Is Binge-Watch Netflix.  To date I’ve watched all thirty-one episodes of Money Heist, two episodes of Unorthodox, two episodes of Fauda, all seven episodes of Hollywood, ten episodes of Upload, four episodes of How to Get Away with Murder, and one episode of Queen Sono.  Enough said. 

IANA! – I’ll admit that she’s now a part of our family.  She responds on command, has a high tolerance for harassment, assists meal prep with her reliable timer, and is always willing to tell you a joke.  And while I applaud her AI, I Am Not Alexa!  I do not respond on command, I have a zero tolerance for harassment, I am not going to set a timer for you, and don’t expect reliable entertainment.  I have up days and down days and that’s what makes me human in this zoomy-zoom world of ours.

And, finally, MYBSAFMOLBTMOEPTYD — May you be safe and find moments of laugher between the myriad of emotions passing through your day 

Photo by Thibault Penin on UNSPLASH

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Creativity during Covid: Author to release new children’s story on May 1, 2020

When the shelter in place order was announced in March 2020, one of the first things I thought about was having to cancel a trip to see my young nieces.  We were all scheduled to meet on a cruise ship for my nephew’s wedding in April.  

I got the idea that I could stay connected to my niece Sonia in New York by reading her stories. A luddite by nature, I felt determined to overcome my technological fears and have some fun.  In the first video, I donned a colorful parrot hat at the moment when the character spoke about her pet parrot.  My niece enjoyed the book.   Then I realized that my other niece’s birthday was coming up, so I read On The Day You Were Born, the book a friend gifted our family when my first son was born.  My sister in Miami told me my niece Ella was thrilled to see me on video.

Inspired, I asked my fifteen-year-old son to set up a YouTube channel for me, which he did in twelve minutes.  That is how Storytelling with Tia Maria came to be.  After posting the first week of stories on my Facebook page, a teacher friend asked me if I would read stories in Spanish.  Happy to be able to provide support to students and parents seeking ways to learn at home, I read a couple of books in Spanish.

Storytelling with Tia Maria has become a fun creative outlet for me. I’ve learned that even adults are finding enjoyment.  Amie Lam, a bilingual activist and facilitator based in Oakland told me about the value she’s receiving. “Stories are so important, for both children and adults. They give a tangible space for imagination, play, language development, and so much more. For me, the more exposure we have to stories, that are familiar and new to us, the more we learn about the world around us.”

Four-and-a-half-year-old Sonia listened to a story about Winnie the Pooh and friends in Episode 24 and said, “Aaawww cute. The stories are cool.”

When I read a story about grasshopper pie and included a recipe at the end, my nine-year-old niece Kiara was thrilled.“I like Tia Maria’s storytelling because it’s fun and she sometimes includes fun recipes that I can make afterwards.” 

Kiara and her two sisters watched the first video in Miami, Florida, and will watch the next release on May 1st from their home in Rosholt, South Dakota.  For the May 1, 2020 video I’m doing something different.  Instead of reading a story from a book, I’ve written my own story to celebrate Kiara’s birthday, which will include a recipe from the Peanuts Cook Book by June Dutton, a book that I purchased in 1969 for sixty cents!  

While the price of books has changed over the years, one thing that hasn’t is the universal love of storytelling. To watch Storytelling with Tia Maria visit: https://tinyurl.com/Storytelling-with-Tia-Maria  Please remember to LIKE the story and, if inclined, subscribe to the channel.

About Maria

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A graduate of UC Berkeley and the University of Pennsylvania School of Law, Maria was a fellow with the National Hispana Leadership Institute, where she attended the Center for Creative Leadership and Harvard School of Public Policy. She received her mediation training from the Center for … Read more...

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